My struggle with recurring depression

In honour of the upcoming Mental Health Awareness Week (13–19 May 2024), I decided to remove the mask that has kept my struggle with depression hidden for so many years and share my experience in the hope that if you or someone you know is battling with the same issue, that you may find some solace in knowing that you are not alone. The more we talk about mental health the easier it is for others to start conversations about theirs.

Mental Health Awareness Week is important not only because it raises
awareness about mental health issues and removes the stigma which still
exists, it also serves as a reminder that mental health is an essential part of
our overall health, but one that sadly still remains overlooked and deeply
misunderstood.

I first experienced depression in my early 30s and it has lasted on and off for many years. It creeps up on you slowly and silently and takes its grip on you, gradually pulling you down into a deep, dark and terrifying pit. I kept it quiet for years firstly because I didn’t actually recognise the symptoms as I was experiencing them, and secondly because I felt too vulnerable and ashamed to reveal this part of me. Thirdly, I didn’t actually have the language nor the ability to articulate my experiences and emotions. It took years of introspective self-reflection and therapy to learn the language of emotions and to understand that I had a treatable mental health condition which went by the name of ‘depression.’

Depression sucked the life and soul out of me — to the point that I felt so
hopeless and helpless that I had no reason to live. I didn’t understand the
constant negative thoughts in my head. I didn’t understand why I would cry all the time and why getting out of bed took every ounce of my energy. I didn’t understand why I felt an inescapable emptiness inside and why I couldn’t see a way out. I felt so alone because depression makes you believe that no one is going through what you are. I was too scared to speak because I didn’t want people to judge me or think less of me, so I internalised it all.

Misconceptions and misunderstandings still surround mental health.
Depression doesn’t always look the way you think it’s going to look. It’s not
just a sad person. It isn’t just feeling bad or having a bad day. It’s much more than that. ‘’Cheer up’’ is the worst thing someone can say to you; I remember hearing these words and they would trigger even more self-loathing and I wondered what was wrong with me.

Today, I realise that I was my own worst enemy while I was experiencing
recurring episodes of depression. At the time, I didn’t know that I was in a
toxic relationship with myself. My inner critic was certainly having a whale of a time! It was only after years of therapy and taking up self-care practices like journaling and meditation that I started to develop a more loving, kind and supportive bond with myself.

When I first started therapy, I didn’t know where to begin, but gradually I found that talking about stuff that was really upsetting allowed me the time to process what was going on in my life. Talking to a therapist helped me to feel less alone and not so dysregulated. Feeling heard and validated made things so much better for me and when I allowed myself the space to grow and evolve, depression started to loosen the grip it had on me.

Everybody’s experiences with depression may be slightly different, but over the years I have identified three key indicators that characterise my depressive episodes:

Self-isolation: I withdraw from others and disconnect socially and from myself
Repressed emotions: I don’t allow myself or others to know how I truly feel.
Overeating: I use food to cope with feeling so low.

I’m getting better at noticing my depression when it starts to creep up on me and I now have tools in my toolbox that I can use to help me. I also know that my experience with depression does not define who I am or what I’m capable of, it has served to strengthen my character and my resolve to live well and live with purpose.