How can you know who you are when your entire life has been an act of adaptation?
I spent years shaping myself around the expectations of others until there was no space left for ‘me’ to exist. I leaned into being ‘the easy-going one’ or ‘the one who keeps the peace,’ but underneath the surface, I was a stranger to myself. I told myself I was just naturally caring and considerate. I made sure everyone else was okay, often at my own expense. What I didn’t realise though, was that the way I was showing up wasn’t my identity, it was a learned behaviour I used to feel safe.
I had spent so much of my life shaping myself around the needs, expectations and emotions of others that I had lost any real connection to who I was underneath it all. It was so hard to catch because it never felt obvious. There was no one, single moment where I “lost myself.” It happened gradually, in small, almost invisible ways… I happened each time I ignored how I felt, each time I second-guessed myself and each time I chose approval over honesty. Over time, those moments added up until the person I was pretending to be completely buried the person I actually was.
On the outside, everything looked fine. I functioned well, showed up for others and did what was expected of me, but internally, I felt anxious, disconnected and constantly unsure of myself. I overthought everything, numbed my feelings and looked to others for reassurance. No matter what I did, there was always an underlying feeling that I wasn’t quite enough as I was. It wasn’t until I began turning inward that things started to change. Through writing, self-reflection and a willingness to really look at my behaviours, I started to notice how often I was abandoning myself in small, everyday moments; moment when I:
- Didn’t speak up.
- Avoided conflict or made sure I didn’t upset anyone.
- Dismissed my feelings.
- Ignored what didn’t feel right
I began to understand that my sense of self hadn’t disappeared overnight. It had been shaped over years of adapting, adjusting and prioritising others in order to feel accepted. That awareness came with a new question: If I had learned to be this way… could I learn a different way of being?
That question marked the beginning of a very different relationship with myself. Instead of constantly looking outward for validation, I started learning how to listen inward. Instead of automatically prioritising others, I began to consider my own needs, my own feelings and my own boundaries. It wasn’t a quick or easy process in the slightest. There were moments of discomfort, doubt and times where it felt unfamiliar, dare I say even ‘wrong’, to choose myself. But gradually, things began to change. I started to feel more grounded, more certain, more connected to myself. My life didn’t suddenly become perfect, but it did become authentic because I was no longer abandoning myself in the process of living it.
Through this process of unlearning, what I’ve come to understand is that self-worth isn’t something we build from scratch. It’s something we return to. It’s not about becoming someone new, but about reconnecting with who we were before we learned to question our value and it begins in the smallest moments when you choose to:
- Listen to yourself.
- Trust what you feel.
- Not to override your own needs.
Reclaiming your worth isn’t one single decision. It’s something you practice over and over again.
A Resource for Your Journey
If you recognise yourself in any part of this, know that you’re not alone and that you can begin to change these patterns. The journey of reconnecting with yourself, understanding where these behaviours come from and learning to feel safe within yourself is exactly what I explore more deeply in my book, Reclaim Your Worth.
It’s the book I wish I had when I was navigating this myself and it’s designed to help you gently understand your patterns and begin building a different relationship with yourself.
With love
Patrizia x
Reclaim Your Worth: Heal Your Past, Let Go of Who you Learned to Be and Choose Yourself
Patrizia Pisano 